The self

I really identifed with the portion of our discussion about "Self" from Tuesday's class. My concept of self as a 23 year old is very different than my concept of self at age 50. There were a lot of subtle and not so subtle pressures on a single person about marriage when I was young. There were a lot of old maid jokes from the uncles and suggestions of where to meet single men from the aunts. It was as if you were not a complete person, if you were not married, and that you were just killing time with a "career" until you found the right person. In looking back at my first marriage at 23, I can see where his family pushed him to marry me, because of their liking me. If I am honest, I was in love with the idea of love and I married him because he had asked me. I was naive enough to believe that no one would ask you to marry them unless they loved you and wanted to spend their whole life with you. I was wrong on both counts.

We divorced when I was 28 and I stayed single until I was 47. I admit that there were times that I was very lonely, there were time I dated men that were not good for me, and there were times that I learned very expensive lessons about my judgement in people in general, but I can honestly say that I finally learned who I was, what boundaries I needed to set, and what it was I wanted out of life. I had honestly come to a point in my life where I was accepting that I might never marry again, and I was okay with that. My advice to all of you that are single to make sure you know who you are before you try to take on a partner. Compromise is an important skill in a relationship, but you have to know where your limits are. As a therapist I will have to learn how to help people find themselves and their boundaries. Taking a good look at ourselves can be the hardest thing we will ever do.