Last day

I cant believe that this semester is already over. I have learned a lot from this class on how to work with families and different ways that a family may function. I enjoyed coming to this class because it was always interesting. I really enjoyed talking about adoption because i can relate to that since i am adopted by my aunt and uncle. They never really went through that whole entire process because they already had guardian ship over me. But good luck everyone on the exam today!

Last class!!!

I cannot believe my first year of college is over.  This was by far my favorite class that I have taken so far in my college career, because I felt that the information was so important to my future career and it was presented in such an interesting way that always kept my attention.  I hope to teach first grade when I graduate and the knowledge that I take with me from this class is going to come in great handy.  I will be working will all sorts of different people young and old in my career and its good to know how to react in certain situations.  This class has provided me with the knowledge I need to be successful not only in a job but everyday life.

The end is only the beginning of the next stage.

I received my evaluation from the therapist I was shadowing at the mission. One of the written statements he made said that he thought I would one day make an awesome therapist because I already was a good listener, but also that I seemed to have a knack for asking the right questions and/or was able to restate what the client had told me in such a way that they felt I was really hearing them. The content vs. process discussions have truly helped me in thinking things through. Much of what I have learned in this class will go far in shaping me into the therapist I want to be.

Into the Real World

So now that I have all of this great information about families it's time to start thinking about how to use it. I will be graduating in December with a degree in child, youth, and family studies and I have no idea what I want to do for a career. I really couldn't see myself being a therapist, but I do want to work with families in some way. After Chris's presentation I would rather help children before they hit rock bottom. It's great that there are programs like SOS, but it is also important to try to start children on the right path at a young age. I would love to work with young children in foster care families and make sure that they have a strong support system.

I hope that I can use everything that I've learned from this class at some point in my life. I've become aware of the way I respond to people and I'm trying to become a more active listener. One of the best things for a child is knowing that someone cares about what happens to them. As a professional it's important not to judge people on what they've done, but instead to help them to figure out how to deal with a problematic situation. It's all about HOW we resolve things, and not WHAT has happened.

This has been a great class! Good luck to everyone on the final!

Final Blog

I was really impressed with this class. I felt I learned how to apply concepts to everyday life. The realization that process over content is probably the most valuable thing I learned. It is very easy for families to get caught up in the "why" they are fighting. Knowing the "why" is not as important as the "how" will help me as a professional talk people through their problems.

After sitting through the final lecture I thought to myself about how I listen and react to people. Sometimes I will shout out a response with out thinking it through when I am with my friends or family, but when I am with strangers or teachers, I try to think things through first. Also, by viewing the movie clip, I saw that it is very important to listen to people and how they react. Just do not hear them while they are speaking, but to think about what they are really trying to say or get off their chest. All people respond differently and people need to know when it is the right time to be sarcastic and the right time to be serious. I have learned a few things in this class and had a great time listening to each lecture.

Blog 13 - traditional responses

I liked our final lecture on traditional responses. I thought it was really helpful, especially because I want to be a therapist someday. It has never really dawned on me before that as a therapist I might need to listen and respond in a different way than I would when not in a session. I will be careful with my responses to people in the future. Also, I thought the movie clips did a great job showing his point. All in all, I enjoyed this lecture as well the class as a whole.

Hey guys,

So i figured i'd blog before finals because i really wanted to talk about the speaker we had Tuesday. Tuesday's class was probably the craziest, most entertaining class we've had. But i also learned a lot too so obviously the speaker new what he was doing. I learned so much about youth and about how running away can be addictive. That's one thing i never really thought would be possible. I never thought of running away as something that would be addictive because it doesn't sound like something anyone would be addictive to. If i was a family science major, i think this lecture would have been really helpful for working with the youth because there was so much information on why they run away. I think the most interesting thing about the speaker was when he talked about the homeless. There didn't realize that homeless people dug holes and piled in to a hole to keep each other warm in 11 degree weather. Also, it broke my heart when he showed us a slide of paintings that were painted by a homeless man. There is so much talent in them and they can't use it because of the situation that they are in. There is so much hope for them if they could get out and promote themselves. But they need support from their friends and families, it's not something they can do all by themselves. Although this wasn't something that will affect my major or my career in any way, it gave me such a large insight to something i had a very superficial thought of.

BCam

Active Listening

The last lecture on active listening was really good. It is so true that to be an active listener it requires several things. Support, understanding and listening are so good. My fiance is so good at understanding when I am having as prob;em or if we are having a problem in the relationship. Anytime I have some kind of an issue regarding school or something else in my personal life that I am freaking out about, my fiance is so wonderful ad understanding. It even surprises me how understanding he can be sometimes. He is always cool and calm and understanding. I think that is a big reason we have been together as long as we have been. You definitely have to have a partner that is understanding to make a happy relationship work for over 6 years!

Active Listening

Our last lecture on active listening and understanding really put everything we learned this semester together. When professionally helping someone its important to be completely open-minded and really try to put yourself in their shoes.

Most of the time I go to my friends and family for help they give me a lot of the traditional responses which in turn do not help and often confuses me more about my problems. I now understand that you need to help the person by not giving them solutions but helping them help themselves by realizing what their problems are and deal with them effectively and positively.

Just like a kid can tell if his parent wants to work or needs to, I think someone asking for help will be able to tell if you really do understand and your really wanting to help them in the best way possible. This is why i think active listening and understand are so important to helping, so the person has confidence in you and trust that your pointing them in the right direction.

Working with families

I think it is important to understand how to work with families, especially in the fields we are going into. It was an eye opener to discuss all the traditional responses and how each situation is different and must be taken differently, with different responses. When you think about responding to others for situations like, death, divorce, troubled children, marriage, etc. A person would think of the typical response, I'm sorry or is there anything I can do for you. It is important to have the effective interpersonal support..of listening, understanding, and support. All these things will make the other person feel like you are there for them but not over powering them. Overall when a person is in a trying time it is up to them to decide who they want to talk to and how they are going to handle the situation. A person who is on the outside should never try to push themselves onto someone because maybe they feel like it would be better for them to talk. The person will talk when they want to. Knowing how to react to different situations can be a great tool for anyone.

Domestic Violence

The topic we discussed, domestic violence, was so upsetting. I have never encountered this in my family or in any of my friends families so it was very eye opening for me. Its a horrible thought really. So many bad things happen in the world on a regular basis that you don't even think about. I was in intregued to realize that many women abuse their husbands.  I had never thought about a woman hurting a man.  I guess I'm old fashioned and living in the past.

I am amazed that battered women try to leave their husbands numerous times before succeeding.  How horrible it must feel to be trapped.

It was good to realize that their is hope for everyone and that everyone is capable of healing :)

Adoption

I'm really glad that we had the discussion on adoption on last Thursday. I have thought about adopting if I ever get married. It's important to remember that even though adoption is a beautiful gift, it's still a sacrifice and things don't always go as smoothly as we want them to. There is a lot of red tape to deal with and even after that process is taken care of there are things that could cause tension. The child could have a hard time adjusting, and people outside of the family could be judgmental.
I have heard various viewpoints on trans racial adoptions and it is disappointing to me that some people aren't accepting of it. I understand that a child who is adopted by a family of a different ethnicity may struggle with developing their identity, but if they live in a supportive family it shouldn't have to be a destructive issue. Dr. Hollist and his family seem to be very open to helping their son discover his native culture while still fitting in to the culture of his adoptive family. Like we said in class, the majority of adopted children are going to be curious about their origins. If they are given a chance to explore, this will give them a chance to grow instead of feeling split between two realities.
Adoption is a very serious issue and it may not be for everyone. If a family is planning on adopting, they should make sure that everyone in the family is okay with this decision. They should be prepared to improvise and make adjustments when things don't go as planned. Going along with the content and process theme, it doesn't matter what ethnicity a child is or if they have special needs. The way the family acts to form a welcoming and nurturing environment is what determines the success of an adoption.

Hitting Home

It' s incredible to think that people like Chris help people every day. It's also incredible to think that they can maintain a positive outlook on life and keep going. I admire people like him for doing what they do. Chris' presentation made me consider wanting to help out, but I'm not sure if I could stomach some of the things that he has seen. I'm looking forward to possibly helping struggling teens, more like Dr. Hollist, but there is this whole other world out there than just the ones that come into an office. The presentation definitely opened up my eyes to a lot more things, including drugs and homelessness within Lincoln. It's easy to live your life with your eyes closed, and the saying "ignorance is bliss" isn't out there for nothing, but not knowing that those things are out there is worse than knowing. And not trying to make the world a better place for someone is a waste. So, thanks Chris, your talk was much appreciated.

The face of the homeless

In this last semester I participated in an internship at the People's City Mission. If someone had asked me the question "What words would you use to describe a homeless person?" before my experience there, I would have naively used words like bum, lazy, and undisciplined. My understanding of homeless has changed greatly. There are a few who may be homeless by choice, but the majority are homeless by circumstance or disease (physical or mental).

At the mission I found people of all levels of intelligence and schooling. One fellow had master degrees in different forms of engineering. He had lived the American Dream, but alcohol and depression had caused him to loose everything including his family. But now the Mission is his family, and he finds joy in giving back by preparing meals for all those there. The days he cooks people know it will be great food, he just has the nack for it.

There are many women and children at the mission, and yes there are also a few people that the world would label crazy, but they are trying. I am taking and abnormal psychology class this semester and have found people that would fit under the headings of having depression, mood disorders, borderline personalities, and even a few that are paranoid and possibly even schizophrenic. As long as they behave themselves and do no harm to others and/or themselves, they may stay. But if things get out of hand, they are passed on to more intensive care facilities.

There was one little lady there whose energy and love of serving others was inspirational. This gal and her son had in the past been residence here at the mission. Now she was a staff member who was awesome at dealing with the clientele. She told me that she was working on her GED and eventually wants to go on to college if she possibly can, so that she could give back even more possible as a caseworker there.

Homeless does not look the same to me now. This experience has truly changed me too, because I will be back there volunteering, it is in my blood now. I want to help others succeed against the demons that have put them here. I think that this will definitely help me see people differently in my practice and allow me to come along side them, not preach to them do this because I say so.

Adoption

I think the class on adoption was very interesting. 2 of my best friends are adopted, so I am very interested in learning about it. I know it takes a lot for people to adopt and I think it is a very selfless act. Any one who has adopted I have the most respect for because I know it isn't that easy. Not only is the process hard, but there is that part that children think about their biological parents, which would be very hard for the adopted parents. One of my friends was adopted from Korea and the other from Omaha. I know my friend from Korea doesn't really have a want to meet her biological parents. From what she knows her mother was a prostitute and she doesn't know who her dad is. She knows that if she wouldnt have been adopted she probably would have ended up on the streets, just like her mom. I feel like at times she is ashamed of being Asian, especially when she is around other Asians. She doesn't know much about their culture and I think she wishes she did at times. I feel like she thinks she is judged by other asians because she doesn't speak her native language and is totally americanized. My other friend from Omaha does have a want to meet her parents, but not until the time is right. Her mother was 14 when she had her, and she was not with the father. She thinks its wierd to think that any time she is in Omaha, she could be walking past her parents or have a sibling. I think she wants to meet them just to learn more about her medical history and as discussed in class, to see which parent she looks like. Over all I think the facts about adopted children were suprising. Esp that 94 percent of children would like to see which parent they look like. That is a huge percent, and goes to show adopted children do want to see where they came from.

The presentation from Chris on Tuesday was very enjoying. I liked how he talked to us as real people and that he had tons of energy to throw out. I had no idea that things like people living under bridges year around, teenage prostitution, and drug addiction was this bad even here in Lincoln. I look up to him for being able to lend these kids a helping hand. Thinking about what he said about people try not to be racist or anything of that nature, then why do we look past the homeless and think they should go and find a job? I can no find a good explanation myself. Anyways, the presentation kept me entertained from start to finish.

Adoption

Adoption is such a great thing that I wish more people did. I wish the adoption agencies made it a little easier for couples to adopt, especially the really good couples that can't have children. I think it was a great thing what Dr. Hollist and his family did. I don't know if I would have the courage to do that. However, I am glad that there are people still out there that want to adopt.

Cedars

I really enjoyed Chris Webster from Cedars, he was very enthusiatic and you could tell that he really enjoyed and had a passion for what he does. It is shocking to know that there are these things going around in the Lincoln area because you really do not see it very much, especially with teens. His presentation was very powerful and very insightful.

Blog 12 - Cedars Street Outreach

Today’s class by the man from Cedars Street Outreach program was really powerful. I could tell he was very passionate about his work. One statistic that I found interesting was that 77% of adolescents that run away are girls. I would have never guessed that. I never knew anyone who ran away but I had a pretty sheltered childhood. Along those lines, I was never exposed to/pressured into using drugs. I feel that people’s environments play a very large role in what obstacles they will face. It is important for parents and teachers to be aware of the risky behaviors out there and to work their hardest to keep kids from falling into those destructive habits.

Adoption

I think its great when families adopt children that need a home. I think that i an amazing thing to do because you give that child some hope. They will be able to have a good future. i hope some day that i will be able to adopt a child. When a homeless child finds a home, that gives them some kind of hope in life. There is someone out their that wants you. I hope i will be able to do that someday.

Adopted Children

Last weeks lecture on adoption really surprised me in many ways. I was interesting to learn about how adopted parents are interested in meeting/finding their adopted child later on in life. I find this odd because I feel when someone gives a child up for adoption is it never an easy decision. In my other classes, it has been taught that mothers become a parent when they become pregnant and men when the child is born.

I feel that meeting your adopted child later on in life with cause, for the former parent, stress and bring up a difficult or challenging past. I don't understand or see a parent after meeting their former child, would never leave their life again or would cause more stress and begin to complicate things of both sets of parents.

But even with all of these risks and emotions, I can completely understand why or how someone would be curious and feel like they need to know where they came form. I feel like when I have a weird personality trait or even love an odd food, i feel more normal knowing it came from one of my parents. It was also be almost difficult to see how families look a like and not know who you look like.

It seems to be when an adopted child wants to know which parent they look like, they are looking for their inherited genes and quirks more than a parental connection. If i did not know why i was given up for adoption, i think i would prefer to just see my birth parents then to actually know the reason i was given up for adoption.

Most of all I would like to add that I fin adoption to be one of the greatest inventions, nothing can replace unconditional love and i believe everyone needs that and is possible through adoption.

The Meaning of Money

The discussion on the "meaning of money" that we had in class was what interested me the most. It's interesting to be able to see what the term "money" means to different people. I think that's it's very useful to know. It helped me relate to my boyfriend a little more, because his meaning is entertainment. It made me see that I see it more as control. Also, the fact that Dr. Hollist said that two people who view it the same way won't balance each other out, so it made me feel more reassured. I think that it is easy to perceive how people see it's meaning by knowing their personality. Once you know them, it actually becomes obvious. Their personalities match how they view money. I think that this talk will help me to deal with situations that come up later, not only because of the current economic times, but because money always plays a role in relationships.

Communication is the key.

Before Jim and I got married, we tried to address the things that we found were problematic in our former marriages: lack of communication and how we looked at money were two of the big things for us. I see money as a form of security, but not to the point that I used to in the past. Because of the conversations that Jim and I have had, I have learned to put more faith in the Lord providing what we need (contrary to what we want), because he has always come through for us in that way. Watching the stock market strip our retirement funds has been hard. With all the medical bills that we have had over the last 2 years, we do not have a safety net. We try to be careful with our money. Jim has a private practice and with that he has to spend money to make money: equiptment needing replaced, mass mailings, and advertising costs. We are making it payday to payday like so many people, but there are so many more who are not making it. I get to see this at the Mission where I am a volunter intern. What I am really excited about it how Jim and I pull together on everything that comes up, so to me it is the communication aspect that is the most important part of our relationship that makes everything else work. When that improves, anything else becomes a possibility. As a therapist, teaching people how to communicate with each other and understand where that other person is coming from will be the most important and valuable comodity I can give to my patients/clients.

Money

I think that it is important to talk with your partner about their values with money, because it could be completely different than how you feel. By knowing this information, you two as a couple would be able to compromise on how things do and dont get spent. As well as it not being like a big suprise on what the other person bought, when they come home. With my parents, my mom likes to spend and my dad is the big saver. My mom will go and buy little things but anything that deals with a big purchase they go together and make sure it is what they need such as a new dishwasher, stove, flooring, etc. I think this is a good strategy to use for any relationship.

Socioeconomic Diversity

Money is something that people always fight about. My fiance and I are going through marriage counseling right now and our priest always talks to us about how many couples get divorced over money. It is so good to find out how the other person feels about money and how they spend it. Being in debt now days is so common and so many people are in it, it's hard to find someone that isn't. Knowing how to handle money is a gift that many people do not have. It is important to save and spend money in an adult way.

Value of Money

I never liked technical terminology such as socioeconomic diversity vs. socioeconomic status, but I thought the points that were raised really made sense. A person's financial situation is not typically stable. You may start out making minimum wage and then move up to a higher position, or on the flip side you could lose your job altogether. The discussion on cost of living is an important thing to consider as well. A person with a high SES in one place might not be considered so well off if they move to a different city.
Living in general costs more than it did a generation or two ago. I was just talking to one of my friends who was excited about graduating and getting a job in the future. She even commented that she couldn't believe that people could have financial problems while making $20,000 a year. I don't blame her for being excited, because it's a lot more than any of us are making now, but after we talked about the cost of living it isn't surprising that money can be used up so quickly. Money is used up even faster once a person has to support a family with children.
As always, content and process come into play when dealing with financial issues in a family. The same issues can cause problems whether a family is wealthy or poor. A family needs to find a balance between the ways they utilize their money. It's important so save enough money so you can have some control over your life, but it's not terrible to spend a little for enjoyment. A couple needs to discuss how they plan to manage their money and what they will do if finances become a problem.

Blog 11- SED 4/22/09

The lecture on Tuesday about Socioeconomic Diversity reminded me of the lecture on engagement. I think the section about financial management strengths for happy couples ties in well with what we learned about discussing things before you are married. It is important to figure out how your partner sees money so you are not shocked by it down the road. Also, people should take a good look at how their partner spends money now, because it is not likely to change in the future. For example, my fiancé likes to spend some of his money on his car. He’s likely to be the same way in the future. When I spend money I like to buy clothes. We know these things about each other and agree they are good things as long as we can still afford the things we need. After this class, I realized maybe we should talk about how much money we think should be saved, as we might differ on how much security money is necessary.

Socioeconomic Diversity

I thought learning about socioeconomic diversity was very important, especially in a time like this. When talking about the meaning of money, everyone has a different view. I think this is very important and can be the cause of some stress in families. I know in my family my dad is all about security. He tries only to get the items that are necessary and puts lots into savings and investments. My mom uses money more for enjoyment. She is not one to go out and buy tons of new items or go on huge trips, but she likes to travel and be able to use the money when it is necessary. I think she knows security is huge as well though, becuase she doesn't need the finer things in life. My parents are struggling greatly with this current market. They bought a new home 5 months ago, before selling the old one. They haven't been able to sell the old one or even have any takers. At 6 months, they will have to pay 2 mortgages which will be a huge hard ship for them. So we all have our fingers crossed that it sells SOON!!!

After viewing class on Tuesday, it has made me think about how my families situation has been. My family has never had to worry about money much and I have never needed to get a job yet. My parents still do not say much about money, if they have enough or very little. It doesn't seem to effect my life much. I know they are well off though since my father is a medical rep. and my mother works for the ER. I do think they have cut back on some unnecessary spending. The worry about money is something everyone needs to be concerned about. How families are able to get daily things and pay bills is extremly important. A family that is not able to have these necessities, will struggle more in life. this does not mean they still cannot be a happy loving family. However, families will fight or be unhappy over the way one may be spending the money and on what. With me my family always ask indepth questions if something cost a great amount of money. they want to know it will last and I will treat it with respect. they do not like to throw their money away.

Socioeconomic Diversity

I thought today's lecture on economics in families was extremely important. Money is such an important aspect of life no matter who you are. I always felt as if people saw money differently from one another and its interesting to see and think of how people i know would fit into those four categories listed.

I feel as if I see money as a kind of control. My father used as enjoyment and my mother as a form of security. These battling views of spend fast and save forever collide when it comes to their parenting because they are not joint on this matter. I see money as the one thing holding me back or limiting me.

I feel as if I have to earn enough money to do everything I want and take care of my basic needs at the same time. It wasn't until I took on these responsibilities in the last years, that I've realized how much money my life cost. I feel as if once I am able to pay for everythin I want, I then will have control over my own life.

I also feel as if it will be helpful to know these different categories so I can better see where someone else is coming from when it comes to money. I think its interesting that although the context of fights dealing with money are different from other conflicts, it is still not about the amount of money you have. I feel like people forget that when celebrities with lots of money break up and are surprised don't realize that money doesn't make any difference (most of the time).

Socioeconomic Diversity

Today's lecture on socioeconomic diversity was really interesting to me. It was really interesting to think about it in terms of how families are affected. Now it's obvious that everyone knows that today's economic situation has affected many people. But it was interesting to see how much if affected people in my class. During discussion one person said that they had lost a years worth of tuition. That's a lot of money, in state or out of state. That adds so much stress to any person who has to go through it. In class i was thinking about how my family was affected by the current situation and i couldn't think of anything for the life of me. Finally it hit me. I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier but my family was really affected by it. My dad has been a stay at home dad since i was a little girl. He retired from the air force at an early age to stay home and take care of me and my little brother. My dad now has a full time job and isn't home as much as he used to be. He used to work nights so it wasn't so different from the way things were before. He was home all day and then would work 5-11 p.m. but now he goes to work at 6 a.m. an hour and a half before my mom goes to work. So he isn't home at all during the day. My brother is an 8th grader right now and i can't imagine how weird it is for him to not have dad home during the day like he used to be. My brother is also very active in sports and plays basketball for his middle school. That was one ting we were all worried about. That my dad wouldn't be able to come to any of his basketball games like he used to. He still misses some of them, but he makes the majority of them. 

Even though we had a huge change in our family, we still make it work and when he's not working we just make the most of the time we have with him. Honestly i think it's made us a stronger family which is really amazing. We drew the positive from the negative.

bCam

Domestic Violence

I think it is very sad when anyone has to experence domestic violence in a relationship. I know a few girls that have been abused during an relationship and it isn't healthy. No one should put up with someone telling them what to do, and who they can and can't hangout with. Some girls who are getting abused don't do anything about it and its sad. Some grils are scared to be alone and it shouldn't be like that. I hope that whoever is getting abused in their relationship gets out and know that their better then that. There is hope in any situation.

Well since class was cancelled on Tuesday, I had an interesting time doing the family interview project. It was neat to see how other families worked beside my own. Things seemed completely strange to me, but that family made it work well for them.

We didn't have class on Tuesday so I am blogging about the paper. It was a really interesting process. I interviewed my friends whom I thought I knew pretty much everything about. Doing the interview really enlightened me and the couple I interviewed. They are a very happy couple but they went through a rough period at the beginning of their marriage. It all worked out but they didn't really know how the other person was feeling in that time until they talked about it in the interview. It made me really like talking to people in a professional setting like that.

Handling Teens

On the decision on Teenagers was good. It is hard to handle teens from stories that I have heard with some of my friends on what they did growing up as teens and it was completely different than what i was like. When I was going through my teenager years, I pretty much listened to everything that my parents said. I was always in by midnight or earlier on the weekends unless I had a good reason to be out later, they felt that nothing good happens after midnight. I never went to parties that had drinking either because i was too scared that i would get in trouble. There was a couple of times that I would challenge my parents such as me wanting to get my belly button pierced when i was 16 and they said no, so then when i was 18 and not living with them i got that pierced, which now i do not have anymore. I would also have boys come over to the house when they were not home, since i was friends with more guys than i was girls. I didnt see anything wrong with it, since we were just hanging out like i would with my girl friends. But now i can see where they were coming from.

Teenagers

I really liked the topic of parenting teens.  What a job, right?!  I think that parenting a teenager might be one of the hardest jobs in the world.  As a teenager, I was pretty easy to deal with. Sure, I had my share of moments that I acted "crazy" and "overdramatic", but overall, my parents and I got along very well and have always maintained a close relationship.  My cousins, on the other hand, were little devils.  My aunt and uncle had to deal with everything..... alcohol, drugs, bad behavior. You name it...my cousins did it.  My aunt and uncle were very against discipline and their kids did whatever they wanted as a result.  My parents however were big on discipline and always made sure I was behaving.  Parents set the tone.  I hope that when I have children, that I will be able to set the tone as well as my parents did!

Adolescence-yuck

No one could pay me enough money to go back to those days of being an adolescent. Being the eldest in my family, I was second cook and bottle wash. I was 13 when the baby sister was born and I picked up a lot of responsibilities at that time because my mother needed my help taking care of other 2 brother and 2 sisters that I had. I think because I was not as care free as a lot of the kids in my class I ended up feeling older and better able to relate to the adults in my world than other kids my age. I felt like I was on the outer fringes looking in. I did not feel like I had much in common with them. I was able to get alone with others, but given a choice of reading a good book rather than playing follow the leader of the cliche, I would opt for the book. Part of my problem was that I was somewhat shy and very awkward because I was much more physically mature also. In groups, I usally look for an underdog that looked more uncomfortable than I did helped them and myself at least feel like we were part of something. It was nice to know that others were feeling awkward trying to find their spot too. I think that often time we don't outgrow those feelings even as an adult. I think being able to put myself in someone elses shoes will definitely help in my future roll as a counselor.

Belonging

The sense that one needs to belong is probably one of the biggest issues that adolescents deal with. It was interesting to me that there really is no explanation of why children at this age have such a strong desire to belong to a group. I had never thought about this before, but I can't think of a solid reason either. Abstract thinking and the concept of being included or excluded is the most logical explanation. If everyone else appears to belong to a group, then a child who is left out will feel like something is missing from their life. Still, it is hard to say why adolescents (or people of any age for that matter) feel the need to be just like their peers.
I was hardly ever included in social cliques in grade school, so I know what it is like to crave that sense of belonging. I have never liked to talk a lot so I didn't have much of a way to socialize. I had friends, but I never quite felt like I was part of the in-group. I was uncomfortable being around large groups of people, because I wasn't good at approaching people unless we were close friends. I think that my self-concept played a huge part in this. I wasn't sure if people really liked me or if they were just being nice, so I would simply avoid them. I've become more social, but I still prefer to be around a few select friends whom I know I can trust to not judge me.
A good sense of belonging as an adolescent can affect a person throughout their life. It is important that parents and teachers remain aware of how children are being treated. It is a terrible feeling to be unsure of yourself as a child, and it can affect the way you interact with other people. Social exclusion can't be avoided completely, but I think that children can learn to respect everyone if they're taught early on. Children learn by examples, and if they see older children and adults excluding others, then they will most likely do the same.

Adolscents

I really enjoyed the last lecture because it made me feel so normal. During my middle school years I was very interested in my friends and almost loathed any family time. This really hurt my parents at the time, but i didnt understand why. they always would tell me how rude or pleasant i was, so i didnt understand why they would want me around so much. During most of my childhood i was a latchkey kid so the independence struggle was always a big issue for me. When i was young i was very protective of myself and made a lot of my own decisions. It was hard when I was 13 to get boundaries when I felt I was taking care of myself along. It took me until now to realize I couldn't think outside myself and until now i thought i was abnormal. Its comforting to know all parents and young people go through some version of this.

Adolescence

The lecture last Thursday was really good on adolescence. I remember when I was going through that stage in life and it was hard for me. I remember I just wanted to feel like I belonged and would do almost anything to feel that way. If someone in our group picked on someone else to to feel cool or try to belong more they would and it is terrible that's what kids have to do. I wish I could go back and change some of the things I did but I am sure a lot of people feel that way. In the and I am glad I experienced what I did because it shaped the person I am today. Thank god adolescence is OVER!

blog 10 - Adolescence 4/14/09

The lecture on parenting adolescents was a good reminder of what it was to be like that age. It’s hard to remember because it was so long ago but as we discussed adolescence in class I was reminded of how I acted the same way. Even though we didn’t have texting, I remember getting in fights with my parents for talking on the phone with my friends for too long and writing long notes to each other in class. Also, I remember how crucial it was at that age to have a group to belong to. People would do anything to belong to a group even if it meant compromising their morals (for instance, picking on or ignoring another student if the others in the group were doing the same). This is one thing I think teachers should be very aware of and should actively try to prevent. I’ve seen many kids hurt through adolescent exclusion. Finally, I also identified with the idea that adolescents waffle back and forth on what they want to do. I remember thinking I was going to be an archeologist, then a psychologist, and for a time even a pop star. =) Adolescence is definitely an interesting time.

Parent/ child interaction is very important in life. Parent need to be able to know their children and see exactly how they react to different situations. Kids will try to test their parents and see what they can get away with. I feel that if they want to do something then we need to access the risk and if it is not too high, then let them do it and see what happens. Kids will learn from what they have done and we can not teach them everything. Also, children playing is a essential part of life. Here kids are able to interact with other children and run free. It is a time for a kid to be a kid and have fun in life.

child interaction

I really liked talking about child interactions within the family and all of the different stories from his children to the one with the boy that went to church in his pants. I think that it is really important to give children choices rather than saying this is what you are doing whehter you like it not with giving them choices they are able to make decisions. I remember a tv show called yes dear and they were having troubles with their son wearing handy down clothes. The dad said to his son that if he does not get dressed then he will just go to the store in his underwear and well the son went into the store in his underwear, this just shows that children have a mind of their own and they need to use that in order to see what decision are right. Child interaction in the family is important because your children are learning from you through either observing or what you say to them.

Families with Young Children

Tuesday's lecture was definitely one of my favorites so far. I loved talking about parent and child interactions and the importance of play in that relationship.  I especially liked the story Dr. Hollist told about the little boy who wore his pants backward to church. 

Kids have a mind of their own and parents have to know when to give in.  I have been babysitting for almost 8 years.  I have watched children of all ages and I have seen a lot of different relationships between parents and children.  These styles really determine how a child turns out AKA what their personality and values consist of.  My parent's parenting style was strict yet laid back.  They were always involved in my life and so they always knew what was going on with me in all aspects of life. I knew what was expected and as long as I did what was expected I had a great deal of freedom.  I hope to be the same kind of parent.

  I liked discussing discipline as well. Discipline while important can backfire if it is not used correctly.  I think the five steps we discussed in class can really help in a situation in order to maintain composure and dicipline well...benefitting you and the child.  As a babysitter, I have had to deal with situations of behavior management.  I once babysat for a family of 5 boys.  Crazy, right?  They were so hyper and insane that I had to be creative when I used dicipline. Now that I have learned the 5 new steps I hope to incorperate them into my everyday life with the children I babysit for.

Take the Time to Play

Play is extemely important for children because it helps them to develop their knowledge and interact with others. I don't know any specific statistics, but I'm sure that parents don't spend nearly as much time playing with their kids as they should. It's not necessarily because they don't want to be involved in their child's life, but some parents just don't have the time or they don't know how to interact with their child. I will admit that as I have gotten older, I have forgotten what types of games are engaging for young children. I'm also hesitant to play make-believe games with children because I don't know how they will react. I wonder if they will find it amusing or if they will just get bored and want to watch TV instead. All too often, it's easiest to just sit children down in front of the television and let them entertain themselves.
Parents should educate themselves on what types of play are appropriate for their child. Young children especially need to be exposed to play that allows them to express what they know and that helps them to learn new things. Interactive play gives parents the opportunity to provide their children with feedback, to develop attachment bonds, and to teach their children to think for themselves. There are so many important skills that children need to lead healthy, independent lifestyles, and play is one of the best ways for them to develop these skills.

Blog 9 - Young Childhood 4/7/09

I really liked Tuesday’s lecture on Young childhood. While the whole thing was interesting, the part I got the most out of was the information on autonomy and letting children do things for themselves and make their own decisions. When I have kids I want to make sure to look at the big picture and not freak out if they want to do something a little differently such as wear mismatching shoes. I’ll try to remember that it is how children learn and express themselves. That is more important for a 4 year old than having them look how society says they should 100% of the time. I will also let them explore and try things on their own. I really like the authoritative approach of giving choices to children within boundaries. That way they can develop autonomy while still remaining safe and healthy. I really hope to apply this information down the road, and share it with others as well.
-Acop

Parents with young children

The lecture on Tuesday was really good because I thought it was so interesting about children and play. When I was a child my mom let us play all the time and she let us do whatever we wanted. We were never able to watch that much TV growing up because we would always have to play instead. Playing was never a bad thing and me and my two siblings were so creative when we played together. We always climbed the tree in our back yard and made the second floor of our garage in to a playhouse, which we loved. We had a jungle gym that we practically ruined because we played on it so much and it was always the base when we played hide and go seek. I completely agree that children need to be allowed to play and be creative and use their brains. It seems like all children do now days are play video games and and watch TV. What happened to CREATIVITY?!!! I think parents really need to limit their children's chouch time and force them to go outside and play.

Class April 7, 2009

Today's class on families with young children made me think of something that i never really thought had a big importance to children. Play. It was really interesting for me to find out how much play really does for a child. I never really thought of play as a form of communication. It never really struck me like that, probably because when i was playing as a child, the last thing i was thinking about is what the function of play is, and i've never taken a family science class before so it was never communicated to me. But thinking back to the days where it was cool to dress up like a princess or a model, it does make sense that this is a form of communication. As a child, after you dressed up, you would go show off your fantastic outfit to your parents and they would ask you questions. Communication.

Another thing we talked about in class is what can be seen when watching children play. Someone brought up that it shows their personality. This could be difficult to prove because it's basically saying if a child plays like they are a thief that they are going to grow up and be a clepto or something. But they could also be playing house and portraying the role of the mother, which really is a good thing. I agree that play exhibits some signs of the child's personality, but only in certain circumstances. This lecture brought up some new things for me to think about, and that's a good thing for relating to families that have young children.

BCam

Becoming a Parent

Looking at all the negitive things women go through when having a child makes me think twice about wanting a bunch of children when I'm older. Women recieve twice as many responabilitys when they have children. Men have to go through a transaction also, but not like the women. Women change physically and emotionally. When couples have children, there relationship with eachother changes also. It takes alot of work to keep a happy marrage and stay sane in raising a child.

Transition into Parenting

Although I've always wanted to be a parent and have children, I have never really noticed all the negative aspects highlighted in informative resources and the media. Now that they've been pointed out, it does seem a bit odd to be that people are not completely turned off by the idea of raising a child. However, I too have a difficult time even considering the fact that having kids might not be worth it.

I think this is why mate selection is so important before having children. If you have a partner that supports and comforts you having a kid or anything else for that matter. Sharing and always having those second opinions of a partner will give you more piece of mind and also be there so you both can divide time to have both a family life and an outside life (or at least i think, ive never married or had kids)

I think if people also go through all the 'methods to strengthen your marriage during transition' they will realize if their relationship is strong enough and what they will need to work on. I know i will pay major attention to who i am with exactly before i have any children or anything that leads to them, haha.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict arises in every relationship whether it be a mother-daughter, father-son, or a friendship.  People argue over the big things and the small things... mainly the small things.  My best friend and I hardly ever fight.  In fact, I think we have had 3 whole fights in our entire relationship of 10 years. However, when we fight it is over the smallest stupidest things.  Conflict resolution may come in handy for my friend and I.  We need to just take a moment, and look at the 3rd side of the argument.  We need to compromise and be willing to admit the other is right.  This new information may really help our relationship :)

Conflict Resolution

I thought last Thursdays lecture on conflict resolution was one of the most important lectures we have had. When most people think about arguing, you think about getting it all out. When in reality most of the things people think about anger and conflict are myths. It's very important to remember that the process is way more important then the content. This is something I struggle with. Relationships in the past have probably gone sour because of the way we argued. When I argue, I always am thinking about what we are arguing about and what I want out of it. It sounds stubborn, because it is. I realized that conflict is something I need to work on, with the guy I have been seeing now he is very different than any other guy I have dated before. He knows how to argue in a healthy way and never says mean things that in the end he doesn't mean and he never raises his voice. I think that I can benefit from this and if we stay together our relationship would be very healthy. I also so think the steps for resolution is a good idea to have. At times when arguments come around, the people just blow up at each other. If you had a list somewhere in your house you can remember to go there and get it and follow the list, instead of just blowing up.

Conflict Resolution

On lecture last thursday when we talked about conflict resolution, I really enjoyed this lecture because it was able to show you on what a happy couple should look like when dealing with a conflict. I liked looking at the graph that was put up on the board because it was able to give myself a visual aid on how it should look, by going from like a 30 back to a zero when it is resolved for the whole week it did that. With my fiance and I we hardly tend to let things get worse if we have a argument we usually solve the situation as fast a we can that way there is no tension between us and we know how each other feel. We have known each other for 11 years and have dated for 2 years and we still find little things that we dont agree on but we are able to work things out in which i think it makes us stronger. So i really liked the graph because it felt that the way him and i handle our conflicts was the right way to do it.

conflict resolution

I was thinking about the topic of conflict resolution and how we learn these skills. None of us are born with this skill. Our families are where our lessions start. The family unit is supposed to educate us in the skills that we will need to function in our societies. If we are lucky, we actually will see our parents practice this in front of us, showing us that they can agree to disagree and show us how to compromise in a healthy manner. My folks never fought in front of us, but did insist that we 6 kids work out our differences verbally without yelling and without getting violent physically with each other. The ideal was that everybody came away with something that they wanted or needed. When I married my first husband, I did not realize that the way his family argued would affect our relationship so dramatically. They fought loud and hard. The whole idea was that there was a winner and a loser. I found myself just giving into what he wanted because I could not handle what I now feel was verbal abuse. I would do practically anything just to have peace in the home. When I was contemplating getting married the 2nd time, this was one area in looked into very carefully. I found that he felt like I do, that two people can sit down and discuss things calmly and reasonable with each other and find some middle ground that would work for both of us. Jim (therapist) told me that many times when he works with couples/families that are having problems with conflict resolution he has them act out their last fight in front of him and once he understand their system, then starts to show them why what they are doing is not working for them and teaches them different ways to go about it. It is much like what is said in class, that it is not the content but the process that is screwed up. As a future therapist, I would love to know how to teach teach families these skills. Just think how much better their lives could be and the lives of the generations that follow.

Never hold a grudge

The most helpful thing for me that we discussed about conflict resolution was the graph showing how a happy couple should deal with conflict. I vaguely remember hearing somewhere else that couples that have extreme fights are often relatively happier. This can be a little misleading, because it might make people think that letting anger out is a healthy way to deal with emotions. But like we said in class, aggression leads to aggression. Instead, the reason these couples are happier is because they bring the conflict out into the open and they quickly resolve the issue that is making them angry. I also wrote down in my notes that happy couples don't let anger linger.
I used to think that fighting was always destructive in relationships, but I think I would rather have deal with explosive arguments for a short period of time if I knew they would lead to conflict resolution shortly afterwards. I have noticed some of these patterns in my relationships with my friends. My best friend and I were roommates for a while, and everyone told us that it would ruin our friendship. While we did get into a few bad fights we are still best friends and possibly even closer than before. We didn't let the anger from a past argument linger once we were done fighting. I think it's important to remember that no relationship of any type is going to be free of disagreement, but you shouldn't let that bother you all of the time.

Like said before, I am not sure what to blog about since we had our exam on Tuesday. Thursdays lecture seems so far away to write anything worthwhile about. I feel the test was not too difficult.

Tueasday was our test so I am not sure what content to blog about. I was happy with the essay question that was chosen. It was one I felt confident answering. The thing I really enjoy about this class is the level of real life application it provides. The essay question asked how you would explain to a friend successful conflict resolution in a relationship. This was something that I can apply to my own life as well as a class. the main answer was it is process not content that is most important. I have been in many relationships where you get hung up on the content and it never ends well. Going forward I hope to apply some of the techniques discussed in this section to help me grow in relationships.

conflict resolution

I really liked the lecture last Thursday about conflict resolution. My fiance and I have great conflict resolution because we have been together for over 6 years. During those 6 years we have really learned how to have open and great communication and we have learned how to have healthy conflict resolution. Whenever we get into an argument we usually have the problem solved within 30 minutes from when the fight started because we can always work it out.

Putting yourself in the others shoes

While learning about conflict resolution, i thought the most important and under looked step of the 6, was 'find out what each person wants'. I feel like in American society today, the media does a good job of telling us that who ever we pick to love, shouldn't challenge us and should basically love you no matter what. I think this puts too much emphasis on self and not on teamwork.

My boyfriend and I, I feel, have very very good conflict resolution because we are not only able to see the others point of view but also empathize with each other. We are both very young, so its already difficult not to be limited or defined by our relationship. However, when he comes up to me with an Idea, such as going to Canada for spring break rather than coming home to visit me, I let him know I'm slightly disappointed but encourage him to try new things, like going on this trip regardless. I know it doesn't change the way he feels about me.

I still feel as if its important to focus on your own wants and needs in a relationship, however, the other person should be another 'lead actor' instead of a 'supporting role'. Being able to understand where the other person is coming from, especially in fights is the most important key of conflict resolution. Because if you can't put yourself in their shoes, you really don't know them that well at all.

Compromise

I know everyone has talked about it already, but compromise in decisions was also my favorite topic from the last class.  I'm always debating with someone whether it be my mother, my best friend, or my boyfriend.  We all love to win the debate, because not only do we like to be right, but we hate to lose.

This is especially true with my best friend and I. We never fight, but we usually are debating about one thing or another.  We especially bickered when it came to the election. I'm a republican and she is a democrat, so you can imagine the tension. After bickering for what seemed like a year, she won the argument, her candidate won, but we both came to a compromise before the election was over.  We both agreed that no matter who won, we would need to respect whoever won.  After all that person would be the President of the United States for at least the next 4 years.  We both agreed on that.  It amazing that we were encorporating the class concepts without even knowing it.  I'll be sure to focus more on the compromise that who actually wins the argument.  I guess there are never clear cut winners anyway!

Influence

So, on Tuesday I found the topic of influence very interesting. The part that fascinated me the most though, was that there is an appropriate time for each type. It, of course, made me consider how I use my influence in discussions and also how my parents use theirs. I think that some of the way that I use my influence has roots in the way that they use theirs, now that I reflect. Influence goes along with power in that it can make arguments worse. I hope that I can use the knowledge I have about these two things in the future when I am considering an argument or a decision that I have to make or one that a client is having problems with. Once you know more about what you are doing, it really is easier to change that action.

From class on Tuesday, I have learned that a decision or an argument should not be on who wins within the situation and that it should be more of a positive compromise of the two to come together. With me being in a relationship and about to get married it is a helping tool for myself and my fiance. We are not very good about making decisions especially me, I tend to want him to make all of the decisions. But i dont think that one of us has more power of the other, I think that it about equal.

Decisions, decisions...

My favorite point from our lecture on decision making was that the focus shouldn't be on who wins in a decision. If one person wins, then this implies that the other loses. If a relationship is healthy, everyone should be satisfied with the decision in the end. This doesn't mean that everyone will get their way all of the time, but they should at least be comfortable with the decision.
My family typically doesn't have a problem with decision making. We may just be lucky in that we all have similar interests and beliefs so it is easy for us to agree most of the time. Of course I didn't agree with all of the decisions my parents made when I was younger, but I've started to accept their authority and knowledge influence as I've grown older. Homeostasis seems to be on our side in this case. We sort of have a routine for getting things done when they need to be done, so we don't have to argue over who does what.
Unfortunately, this doesn't always work in families that aren't in agreement about everything. This is why it is important for families to discuss important issues so that everyone knows what everyone else's viewpoint is. Even if there is disagreement about a subject, it will be more resolvable if each person understands how the other feels.

I have never had a long term relationship, besides ones in high school that everyone knew would end up going no where. Even though high school has been years ago, I still have not had a steady relationship. Being in the military and have to leave on a moments notice had kept me from even trying. Anytime I would get close I would move far away and then the whole long distance thing would not work. I could consider this as me having all the power. I believe to have a healthy relationship, both partners need to have good communication and equal power. However saying that, I do think that one should have some say in how their money is spent after all the bills and extra things that came up get paid. Also, being in the military for the past 4 years has led me to see that people do have power trips. This can tend to end relationships, since they get greedy and keep going. Having power does feel good to oneself, but we all need to know how to control it and use is wisely, without hurting our loved ones.

Good Communication Lecture

In the lecture we learned good communication is key to intimacy and family interaction. Knowing the gender differences between men and women really helps distinguish why there seems to often be barriers in communication. Just last night my roommate was complaining about how her boyfriend does not feel the need to tell her about his day and is totally fine with going a couple days without even talking to her. He does not understand why she needs this level of attention from him. She interpreted this as he was not that in to her and maybe had someone else. I explained to her that may be the case, but it could also just be attributed to the gender differences in communicaiton between men and women. Men are Action Oriented and owmen are connection and affiliative oriented. In this scenario, he may not feel he needs to tell her about her day to let her know he cares about her cause she should just know that. My roommate on the other hand needs to experience the connection from communication to nurture the relationship. When she expressed this to him he seemed very blunt with her and she interpreted that as him being cold to her feelings. However he may have been just trying to solve the problem. I told her to look at both scenarios and talk to him about it before she came to any conclusions on her own.

Understanding influence in the marriage relationships

I especially found our topic about the principle of least interest very eye opening. I was married/divorced in my twenties. I can understand now how the dynamics became what they did. I have very strong religious beliefs about marriage and would do anything to make it work. Unfortunately, I now realize the he did not really care if the marriage succeeded, he definitely used reward influence tactics ( we would go see my family, an hour away from where we lived, only after he was able to get his way about how the next three weekend plans where what he wanted to happen) and coercive influence tactics (withholding physical contact and becoming cold when he did not get his way). I can see now how these tactics played a part in the building up of the resentment I was feeling and how I started counting up the inequities in our relationship. We definitely did not have good communication skills and there was a major influence struggle going on. Winning was important to him and in the end, we both lost. My present husband and I work hard to have what I would say is a referent influence practiced in our marriage. Our communication style is much more open and both of us want to show our love and respect to each other and seek ways to have a win-win outcome for both of us. This knowledge truly makes a lot of sense to me. Understanding these concepts will definitely help me better understand the dynamics in other peoples relationships and allow me to help my therapy clients in the future.

Blog 8 - Power struggles 3/25/09

Hey,
I thought the topic of the Principle of Least Interest was really interesting in class on Tuesday. It made a lot of sense when he explained it but I’ve never thought of that before. I’ve seen that play out before where people agree to do many things they don’t want to do in order to get one specific thing, such as the vacation example he gave in class. That bargaining could get destructive very quickly in a relationship. I also liked the information on keeping track of your/your partner’s efforts in a relationship. I’m not experiencing problems with this, but in case anything ever arises I will try to remember what we learned about how keeping track paralyzes a relationship – no one wins.
-Acop

Power stuggles

When me and my boyfriend started dating, he tried to have all the power. He tried to make all the decisions and never wanted to do what i wanted to do. I wanted to relationship so i let him have most of the power, and i didnt really care. Now i realize that isnt a healthy relationship at all. Me and my boyfriend now both have the same amount of power, and he knows not to try to have the power of our relationship. It needs to be equal between both parners. I don't want to have all the comtrol, and neither does he.

Decisions and Power Struggle

Throughout the course of the class, I've always thought my boyfriend and I have had a pretty healthy relationship. Lately, however, I have become uncomfortable with the fact that we are in a long distance relationship. I worry about other girls and that the long periods of time between visits will cause him to forget or move on with out me. I didn't realize until today that I had been keeping track of the effort each of us makes toward the relationship. Now I see how this is negatively effectiving my relationship. I recent past conversations on the phone with my boyfriend, I would get defensive easily and would constantly question him and his motives. Today, however I was able to relax and just update him on my life, hear about his and laugh. it was great to just enjoy each other, even from a great distance. I see now that communication in relationships can always be improved and that i need to be more aware of my reactions and feelings and make sure express them in an effective manner.

Tuesday March 24, 2009

Today's class on power and decisions in marriage was really interesting. It amazed me to learn so much about how power is split and how decisions are made. it made me evaluate the way i handle the conversations in my relationship. There was an example in class today about how her and her boyfriend make decisions and how he can't ever make a decision so she gives him options. I thought that was the best idea i'd heard, it makes it simple to decided and they have equal power because she isn't forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do but she is still going to end up doing something she wants to do. It actually made me think that that's something i should try.

I think today's class will really help me during the upcoming family interview because power and decisions in a relationship are a huge part of how a couple functions. Also it will help me out when i'm trying to make a decision or my boyfriend and i are making decisions.

Bcam

body language

I will admit that I am a people watcher. When I am sitting in a restaurant or on a park bench, I am fascinated watching people when they are talking with someone else. I am not really able to catch what is being said, but by watching the body language I can usually pick up on what type of communication is happening. It is amazing sometimes what people say with their bodies. You see some people close the other person out by crossing they arms and/or legs, heads shaking yes and no in response to what the other person is saying, and facial expressions that run the gamut. I have told my husband if he finds any seminars (and/or books) on the subject I would like to be invited to go (or read it). There is a television program on regular TV, that involves using body language to tell if people are lying or not, and I try not to miss an episode. This skill of body language would be exceedingly valuable for me as I pursue my dream of becoming a marriage and family therapist.

Communication :) Verbal and non-verbal

Communication.  Its a vital part of any healthy relationship.  I think it is amazing how men and women can communicate so differently.

 Women express everything to their partner while men can keep everything underwraps...only speaking if absolutely necessary.  When women come to men to talk about their problems, sometimes they only need them to lend an ear and just tell them its ok. However, most men just immediately try to solve the problem.  Women would be more likely to just comfort the person and tell them that all will be well.  I tell my boyfriend about all my trials and tribulations and he always wants to solve them , even when I just want a shoulder to cry on.

Men and women just communicate so differently. I wonder if we will ever understand each other.

I believe non-verbal communication is just as important as verbal communication. People can say so much without saying anything at all. It can be equally influential, sometimes more influential.  A hug can say so much. Sometimes words can't say enough.

I beleive that commnication is key in a steady relationship. We have to interact and will be using communication the rest of our lives with one another. If our partners do not like to tell us what is wrong or even engage in a simple conversation, then why would we stay with them? It is true that men and women have different ways of communicating. Sometimes I do not understand why women do not just come out and say things or want to get right to the point. Being male, I feel I need to get things done then and there and not wait till the last minute. With sitting through this class, I have learned why we use these different ways of interacting. At times it is complicated, but still seems to work out in the end.

Speaking Without Words

We all know that communication is extremely important, but sometimes I feel like nonverbal communication isn't given enough credit. It all goes back to the whole issue of content vs. process. How something is said is more important than what is said. The tricky part of nonverbal communication is that it can often be unconscious or unintentional. A person may have a specific way of speaking or behaving that might appear rude to others, even when the person is behaving the way they naturally do. When dealing with issues involving nonverbal communication the best thing to do is to look for patterns. It would be unwise to jump to conclusions about a person's behavior without knowing how they typically behave in specific situations. We touched on this in class when we were talking about communication differences between cultures.
If you ever want to observe how much of an effect nonverbal communication can have, watching actors rehearse for a play is an amusing way to do this. I was sitting in on a rehearsal for an opera scene that one of my friends was performing. There was one particular line that was bothering me and the teacher that was directing the performance. My friend was supposed to be apologizing for bringing up a topic that she thought had bothered her distraught aunt. To fit the context the line was intended to be said in a comforting way, but every time my friend said it it sounded like she was angrily saying, "Gosh, I'm sorry. You don't have to freak out about it." Since this is a person I've known for several years I realize that wasn't what she intended, but to someone else it might have seemed unfitting. The point is, that just a simple facial expression or inflection of a word can entirely change the meaning of what is being said. I think that more people would be careful about how they say things and how they judge what others say if they were truly aware of the power of nonverbal communication.

Blog 7 - Gender Differences 3/11/09

Hey everyone,
I agree that Tuesday’s lecture on gender differences in communication was really interesting. I remember the first time I brought up something that happened with one of my friends that upset me to my boyfriend, he responded as the lecture said he might, by trying to solve the problem right away. This upset me a little because I didn’t want someone to tell me what to do, I just wanted to vent. Now from the lecture I see that this communication barrier is common. I’m glad that men and women are different because I think we compliment each other well in handling situations in different ways. However, I do think it is important to try to understand your partner in the way that they need. This doesn’t mean changing the way you think and react in general, it just means being conscious of what support your partner needs and trying to offer support in that way. I think this would be beneficial for many couples.
-Acop

Communication

I think that communication is so important in a relationship or in a family. The reason why I think that is because if you do not have communication then your relationship is not going anywhere. With my fiance and I we try and tell each other everything that we are feeling like if something bothered one of us that the other one did, that way it can get resolved and we can fix that. Not only do you need communication in your relationships but you also need it in your everyday life, when you are working and when you are dealing with other people.

Gender Differences

When given the Gender Differences in class, I understand that these don't apply to all males and females and exactly how each one of them communicates, but i think something else can be taken from them other than just understanding. Of course I see these aspects in my own thoughts and conversation and well as the male aspects in my boyfriend, father, etc. And although I understand maybe trying to get away from these things could be a good and progressive idea, I feel as if these differences are really important because they teach each sex in how to communicate with the other. Which i don't think was mentioned.

For example, when I want to talk to my boyfriend about my day, I dont talk about the people i see or all the interactions i have, but the goals of my day and what i've achieved. That way his way of communication (action oriented and solution oriented) are triggered and hes more interested in talking.

I feel like knowing the gender differences alone is an important part of effective communication because it gives you these understandings of the opposite sex and where and why exactly their coming from in their opinions and views.

March 10, 2009

Today's class on communication was really informational. I feel like i learned a lot about how good communication can really benefit a relationship. Not that i already didn't know it was important, but there are so many other things that factor into communication. It's not just the verbal, but the non-verbal that can really show a person's true emotions about something. The part of the lecture that i found most interesting for me was the part about gender differences and the cultural differences we discussed in class.

The gender differences in men and women when it comes to communication seem to make more sense now that i see them on paper. Men truly are way more competitive when it comes to communication. I know my boyfriend is already a really competitive person, but when we are having a conversation or are trying to convince someone of something he always thinks he's right and pulls out random explanations for things. Everything is a competition to him, and after seeing that being competitive a big difference between men and women in communicating it finally made sense! Now i just think it's kinda hilarious. As a women, the ways a women communicate are so correct it's almost scary. I am that person that is all about affiliation having a really strong connection with the person i am communicating with. Seeing the differences between men and women really made me think about how these things can conflict each other, but how they also benefit each other.

The cultural differences are also really interesting because there are things in other cultures that are forbidden that are so normal for American's. Such having eye contact with the person you're talking to, in America that is a sign of respect, but in other cultures it's rude look an elder in the eye when speaking to him/her.

I think this lecture will really help me when I'm doing my family interview because i'll be able to see how they communicate and pinpoint things that are different in their communicating.

bCam

Choosing that special someone!

Finding that perfect person, the individual you want to spend your life with is...quite a task.  There are just so many fish in the sea and I know that it is so hard to meet that one guy!  Now, I'm just not sure about the whole "one perfect guy" theory.  Its very romantic, but just not totally accurate I guess.

 There are so many things to think about when trying to find a mate.  Their needs to be not only a physical attraction, but a spiritual connection.  No one should ever just settle for someone, because both parties will end up completely unhappy.  I think the speaker on finding a mate had some wonderful points on dating  and I hope that with more experience I will learn more about what I am looking for in a guy and that I will be successful in finding one :)

choosing a mate

after last class i really reflected on my own relationship with my boyfriend are realized we have a lot of good things going for us. Even though we both really like being around each other, we going to school 2,000 miles away from each other. It takes a lot of commitment and trust to be happy in a long distance relationship but we are both very happy. we constantly support each other in new experiences. we really try not to hold each other back too. we have a lot in common as well as our differences but embrace both. i think its really great to find all these positive things but i realize from my own experiences they not only take a lot of work but a lot of desire and wanting from each party as well. I think its also important to remember how ever that we have to sacrifice a lot to keep a relationship going. there will always be hard times sometime ahead. thats why function matter so much

Testing absolutes

In class when we talked about destructive games, it definitely hit a chord for me. I was married when I was 23 and divorced at age 28. Looking back, I do not think that my husband actually loved himself and definitely had issues with his family of origin. He used to play the "what if game". He would set up scenarios of life possibilities and then make me answer what I thought would do. As this continued, if a situation that he described came up he would pin me to that answer "You said you would do this if this happen!" He kept trying to push me into the behavior he wanted he wanted, and in that way I would prove to him that I loved him. I was in school at the time to become an x-ray tech. He was fired from a position and he felt that I should stop school and go back to work. I had 9 months to go out of the 24month program. So I took out a student loan, trying to get us through until he got a job. For the next year, I had to deal with a pouty child in a grownup's body. We ended up in counseling for the next two years. He could not see that my going to school was about making life better for us financially. He just took it as a sign that I did not love him enough to sacrifice what he thought I wanted and loved (school) for him and that I did not mean what I said about being with him in sickness and health, poorness and wealth, etc. He felt that he was always under stress working to support us, while I was in school, and that I should want to relieve him of that stress. The counselor tried to make him see what he was doing, but he would nor or could not get this neediness and game playing under control and whe drifted further and further apart, until we were two strangers living in the same house.
One thing I would recommend is couples taking something like the FOCCUS premarital testing and actually paying attention to where you may have troubles . We took it but we discounted what it was telling us. I honestly beleive that the best way to prevent a divorce is to lay all the cards on the table, and if we cannot work things out - DONT GET MARRIED. He and I both had expectations of what each other's role was supposed to be in the marriage, but we had not told each other. Both of us were disappointed when the other one did not fill that role. I will be better able to spot some of the games in my future client with the knowledge that this class is giving us, along with the things I have observed through my life and the lives of those around me.

The Games We Play

I thought our conversation about relationship 'games' was an extremely important thing to talk about. It's amusing how obvious these games become when looking back at past relationships. It's also interesting to analyze which games can be constructive and which are destructive. Of course there are the traditional 'getting to know you' games that we all play. Some of these can actually take the form of real games, like 20 questions. Most of the time these games are constructive, because you are showing a genuine interest in a person. If you get to the point where you are interrogating someone to find out their flaws, then things can start to become destructive.
I know that I'm guilty of playing games that can be destructive. I've been in relationships where I usual rely on the other person to take the initiative to do anything. This is because I don't always trust that people really want to be with me. The last time I used this game it turned out that I had a legitimate reason not to trust the other person. This is one case where games can be potentially destructive, but only if you don't know when to stop. If a person tests a relationship and finds out that they can't trust their partner, then they should get out of the relationship. However, if the other person proves that they can be trustworthy, it would be destructive to keep pushing them to the limit. It's also important not jump to conclusions or be accusing of the person you're dating. If someone doesn't call you when you think they should or if they don't notice your new hair cut, don't accuse them of not loving you. Games can reveal a lot about people, but they shouldn't be the ultimate factor in a decision.

Mate Selection/Engagement.

During the last class period, I enjoyed because it is true that you are careful or particular on who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You want to make sure that your family will get along with him or her and their family, so you all can be close as a family. Because just because you are marrying them you also get their family and you want to make sure that everyone gets along because then it could just be awkward at family gatherings. My previous ex before my fiance was very different he was more like a tough guy and his family was complete opposite on how they were raised than how my family was, and my mom even mentioned to me once that she felt that she would get along with his family just because they have nothing in common with her. Since I dated him before in high school she also did not like him very much either. So I think that your parents need to like who you are about to marry because that could really effect your family and how they will function when he or she comes into the family. My fiance gets along perfectly with my parents and they have already told him that they love him and what not and they are close with his parents which is also good.

Blog - March 4th

I found the discussion on mate selection very interesting. Being 28 I have witnessed a vast amount of both constructive and destructive games. When I was 24 I was engaged. There were a lot of destructive games played which hindered us from really connecting on the level we needed. Learning from this experience and reading about it and the class discussion helps me get a concrete grasp of what games really are. Like we discussed in previous chapters on family systems. The only way to overcome a pattern is to recognize it and change the actions. In a professional setting recognizing what constructive or destructive games are being played and working on changing the behaviors will help couples break through the cycle.

Blog 6 - engagement 3/3/09

Hi everyone,
I agree that today’s class was really interesting! I loved talking about engagement and marriage. I think the quote he mentioned about how marriage is a process, not an event is really important to keep in mind. I feel like a lot of people focus too much on planning for a wedding and not on the lifelong process of marriage. Also, our discussion on how it is important to address issues during the engagement period is so true. My Bible study and our priest were talking tonight about these topics and he also emphasized this point. He mentioned counseling couples after marriage that did not talk through things and how some are struggling, and counseling couples during the engagement period and how beneficial it was to their relationship. A girl in my group had actually taken the FOCCUS premarital intervention test that we discussed in class and she said it was really eye opening. She said it helped her fiancé and her discuss the things they needed to, and then move forward.
-Ashley

Mate Selection/ Games

This class was one of the more interesting ones to me this year. I notice while we had a discssion on games played, that I tend to do some of these even when I am not trying. I do enjoy playing these games with others just to see what their reactions will be. I do think some of then can tend to be rude for others and have seen others do things I would never think of. These games do however seem as if they are used as an icebreaker at first. I feel it is a way to get to know one another. The mate selection will always be there. First thing that I notice are ones looks. I feel I need to be attracted to someone or it will not work. Also, having things in common will make it easier to do things. I do think that there is a certain someone out there and in time one will find them, if not maybe it's just not meant to be.

March 3 Lecture

Today's class was so interesting! It was interesting to me because i never thought about how people play games in relationships or how destructive or constructive those games can be. Today's class was almost like a therapy session for me because i thought about all the things i've done or  am doing in my relationship right now. The part that really made me think was when we discussed destructive games like testing them. I found out that i tend to test my boyfriend and don't really know that i do it. But we talked about how when we test out mate and don't get the results that we thought would be evident or when they don't realize what we are trying to get them to do or understand the person testing them always ends up upset, mad, or just frustrated at their mate which only causes problems. i told myself at the end of class that i wasn't going to try and play those games anymore because of how bad they could be in a relationship. 

Having this information will help me in the long run because i'll be able to spot when i am playing games or when someone else is playing games and i have to tools to break those games and help others break games that they or someone else is playing.

BCam

Abusive Relationships

I think it's very sad when people are put into abusive relationships. My sister was in an abusive relationship when she was in highschool and it really changed her. While she was with that person she really last herself, and i think that is what happens. You might think that you love someone, but an abusive relationship is not right, and no one should have to put up with it. I believe that someone that loves you, shouldn't treat you bad in anyway. They should make you feel like your the luckiest person in the world, and that life couldn't get any better. i think that most people at one point in their lives, talk to someone that can be verbally abusive, but you shouldn't have to put up with that at all. You should be with someone that makes you feel ike crap all the time.

The self

I really identifed with the portion of our discussion about "Self" from Tuesday's class. My concept of self as a 23 year old is very different than my concept of self at age 50. There were a lot of subtle and not so subtle pressures on a single person about marriage when I was young. There were a lot of old maid jokes from the uncles and suggestions of where to meet single men from the aunts. It was as if you were not a complete person, if you were not married, and that you were just killing time with a "career" until you found the right person. In looking back at my first marriage at 23, I can see where his family pushed him to marry me, because of their liking me. If I am honest, I was in love with the idea of love and I married him because he had asked me. I was naive enough to believe that no one would ask you to marry them unless they loved you and wanted to spend their whole life with you. I was wrong on both counts.

We divorced when I was 28 and I stayed single until I was 47. I admit that there were times that I was very lonely, there were time I dated men that were not good for me, and there were times that I learned very expensive lessons about my judgement in people in general, but I can honestly say that I finally learned who I was, what boundaries I needed to set, and what it was I wanted out of life. I had honestly come to a point in my life where I was accepting that I might never marry again, and I was okay with that. My advice to all of you that are single to make sure you know who you are before you try to take on a partner. Compromise is an important skill in a relationship, but you have to know where your limits are. As a therapist I will have to learn how to help people find themselves and their boundaries. Taking a good look at ourselves can be the hardest thing we will ever do.

Fear of marriage aspect

In chapter 4, I thought the section about "fear of marriage" was really interesting.  I had never really put much thought into the fact that some people might be single because they had a literal fear of actually being married.  I talked to my roommate about this topic.  We come from vary different families.  Our parents are both still married, but my parents are very happy and her parents are not.  Her dad cheated on her mom 15 years into their marriage, and they worked things out, but her mom doesn't love her dad anymore.  They are together out of friendship and the love for their children.  My roommate isn't afraid of the marriage aspect. She can't wait to get married and have a family, but she's so afraid of divorce and infidelity. She has never thought as being single as a bad thing. In fact, she thinks its pretty safe.  She doesn't want to be single forever, but she doesn't really mind being single in the patches where there's just not a special guy in the picture.  Me, on the other hand, i hate being single.  I avoid it at all costs.  I love having a guy in my life. I'm just searching for the right one.  Maybe now that I have read this chapter, I wont think as negatively about being single.  I'll be a bit more relaxed and carefree :)

Being Single

I thought Tuesday's class discussion/lecture was really interesting. Single life is the one thing i hear most talked about among my friends so it was interesting for me because the majority of the things we talked about in class is the way my friends talk. They think that they are doing something wrong or that something isn't right with them and that's why they're single. When i was single i was guilty of the same thing, i wasn't looking for the opportunity. I was definitely an involuntary single person. And talking about the voluntary and involuntary single person made me think about the way i used to be and how i thought of myself and the reason i was so blah about relationships is because i was being so touchy about it. But it helped me realize that you have to be creating opportunities to meet people instead of waiting for them to meet you.

This will help me in everyday life because now i have the information to help my friends who are doing the same thing that i was doing. I can now give them dating advice and not be the person who gives them terrible dating advice! 

Love Yourself First

There were many times during Tuesday's lecture that I wanted to jump up and say, "Yes! That's exactly right!" I totally agree that it is important to be happy with who you are before getting into a relationship. I'm sure most of us had heard this idea before in some form or another. For many of us girls it was probably phrased as "you don't need a man to make you happy." I wish there was a way to teach this to people, but most of us don't figure it out until we've been hurt by bad experiences.
I think that it is unfortunate that this concept is so hard to grasp. It would save a lot of people from psychological pain if they spent more time improving themselves instead of trying to find someone to fix them. I can't say that I've completely mastered this process, but it has helped me to understand a lot about my personal relationships. The last person I dated was rebounding from a difficult rejection, and they wanted to find someone to make them feel whole again. I'm sure all of us can guess how that turned out. If you don't like yourself it's going to be hard to like anyone else or to let them like you.
One other reason that I was so interested by this idea is because of Zora Neale Hurston's novel Their Eyes Were Watching God. I never would have thought that African American Literature would relate to Family Science until we had this lecture. For those who haven't read the book, the main character Janie is a stereotypical romantic. She spends her life looking for a man to complete her, and she ends up in two unsatisfying marriages before finding someone she's happy with. Our teacher's favorite theme to talk about was how Janie had to love herself before she could really love anyone else. Apparently Hurston really knew what it takes to make a relationship work.

~Michelle