Putting yourself in the others shoes

While learning about conflict resolution, i thought the most important and under looked step of the 6, was 'find out what each person wants'. I feel like in American society today, the media does a good job of telling us that who ever we pick to love, shouldn't challenge us and should basically love you no matter what. I think this puts too much emphasis on self and not on teamwork.

My boyfriend and I, I feel, have very very good conflict resolution because we are not only able to see the others point of view but also empathize with each other. We are both very young, so its already difficult not to be limited or defined by our relationship. However, when he comes up to me with an Idea, such as going to Canada for spring break rather than coming home to visit me, I let him know I'm slightly disappointed but encourage him to try new things, like going on this trip regardless. I know it doesn't change the way he feels about me.

I still feel as if its important to focus on your own wants and needs in a relationship, however, the other person should be another 'lead actor' instead of a 'supporting role'. Being able to understand where the other person is coming from, especially in fights is the most important key of conflict resolution. Because if you can't put yourself in their shoes, you really don't know them that well at all.

Compromise

I know everyone has talked about it already, but compromise in decisions was also my favorite topic from the last class.  I'm always debating with someone whether it be my mother, my best friend, or my boyfriend.  We all love to win the debate, because not only do we like to be right, but we hate to lose.

This is especially true with my best friend and I. We never fight, but we usually are debating about one thing or another.  We especially bickered when it came to the election. I'm a republican and she is a democrat, so you can imagine the tension. After bickering for what seemed like a year, she won the argument, her candidate won, but we both came to a compromise before the election was over.  We both agreed that no matter who won, we would need to respect whoever won.  After all that person would be the President of the United States for at least the next 4 years.  We both agreed on that.  It amazing that we were encorporating the class concepts without even knowing it.  I'll be sure to focus more on the compromise that who actually wins the argument.  I guess there are never clear cut winners anyway!

Influence

So, on Tuesday I found the topic of influence very interesting. The part that fascinated me the most though, was that there is an appropriate time for each type. It, of course, made me consider how I use my influence in discussions and also how my parents use theirs. I think that some of the way that I use my influence has roots in the way that they use theirs, now that I reflect. Influence goes along with power in that it can make arguments worse. I hope that I can use the knowledge I have about these two things in the future when I am considering an argument or a decision that I have to make or one that a client is having problems with. Once you know more about what you are doing, it really is easier to change that action.

From class on Tuesday, I have learned that a decision or an argument should not be on who wins within the situation and that it should be more of a positive compromise of the two to come together. With me being in a relationship and about to get married it is a helping tool for myself and my fiance. We are not very good about making decisions especially me, I tend to want him to make all of the decisions. But i dont think that one of us has more power of the other, I think that it about equal.

Decisions, decisions...

My favorite point from our lecture on decision making was that the focus shouldn't be on who wins in a decision. If one person wins, then this implies that the other loses. If a relationship is healthy, everyone should be satisfied with the decision in the end. This doesn't mean that everyone will get their way all of the time, but they should at least be comfortable with the decision.
My family typically doesn't have a problem with decision making. We may just be lucky in that we all have similar interests and beliefs so it is easy for us to agree most of the time. Of course I didn't agree with all of the decisions my parents made when I was younger, but I've started to accept their authority and knowledge influence as I've grown older. Homeostasis seems to be on our side in this case. We sort of have a routine for getting things done when they need to be done, so we don't have to argue over who does what.
Unfortunately, this doesn't always work in families that aren't in agreement about everything. This is why it is important for families to discuss important issues so that everyone knows what everyone else's viewpoint is. Even if there is disagreement about a subject, it will be more resolvable if each person understands how the other feels.

I have never had a long term relationship, besides ones in high school that everyone knew would end up going no where. Even though high school has been years ago, I still have not had a steady relationship. Being in the military and have to leave on a moments notice had kept me from even trying. Anytime I would get close I would move far away and then the whole long distance thing would not work. I could consider this as me having all the power. I believe to have a healthy relationship, both partners need to have good communication and equal power. However saying that, I do think that one should have some say in how their money is spent after all the bills and extra things that came up get paid. Also, being in the military for the past 4 years has led me to see that people do have power trips. This can tend to end relationships, since they get greedy and keep going. Having power does feel good to oneself, but we all need to know how to control it and use is wisely, without hurting our loved ones.

Good Communication Lecture

In the lecture we learned good communication is key to intimacy and family interaction. Knowing the gender differences between men and women really helps distinguish why there seems to often be barriers in communication. Just last night my roommate was complaining about how her boyfriend does not feel the need to tell her about his day and is totally fine with going a couple days without even talking to her. He does not understand why she needs this level of attention from him. She interpreted this as he was not that in to her and maybe had someone else. I explained to her that may be the case, but it could also just be attributed to the gender differences in communicaiton between men and women. Men are Action Oriented and owmen are connection and affiliative oriented. In this scenario, he may not feel he needs to tell her about her day to let her know he cares about her cause she should just know that. My roommate on the other hand needs to experience the connection from communication to nurture the relationship. When she expressed this to him he seemed very blunt with her and she interpreted that as him being cold to her feelings. However he may have been just trying to solve the problem. I told her to look at both scenarios and talk to him about it before she came to any conclusions on her own.

Understanding influence in the marriage relationships

I especially found our topic about the principle of least interest very eye opening. I was married/divorced in my twenties. I can understand now how the dynamics became what they did. I have very strong religious beliefs about marriage and would do anything to make it work. Unfortunately, I now realize the he did not really care if the marriage succeeded, he definitely used reward influence tactics ( we would go see my family, an hour away from where we lived, only after he was able to get his way about how the next three weekend plans where what he wanted to happen) and coercive influence tactics (withholding physical contact and becoming cold when he did not get his way). I can see now how these tactics played a part in the building up of the resentment I was feeling and how I started counting up the inequities in our relationship. We definitely did not have good communication skills and there was a major influence struggle going on. Winning was important to him and in the end, we both lost. My present husband and I work hard to have what I would say is a referent influence practiced in our marriage. Our communication style is much more open and both of us want to show our love and respect to each other and seek ways to have a win-win outcome for both of us. This knowledge truly makes a lot of sense to me. Understanding these concepts will definitely help me better understand the dynamics in other peoples relationships and allow me to help my therapy clients in the future.

Blog 8 - Power struggles 3/25/09

Hey,
I thought the topic of the Principle of Least Interest was really interesting in class on Tuesday. It made a lot of sense when he explained it but I’ve never thought of that before. I’ve seen that play out before where people agree to do many things they don’t want to do in order to get one specific thing, such as the vacation example he gave in class. That bargaining could get destructive very quickly in a relationship. I also liked the information on keeping track of your/your partner’s efforts in a relationship. I’m not experiencing problems with this, but in case anything ever arises I will try to remember what we learned about how keeping track paralyzes a relationship – no one wins.
-Acop

Power stuggles

When me and my boyfriend started dating, he tried to have all the power. He tried to make all the decisions and never wanted to do what i wanted to do. I wanted to relationship so i let him have most of the power, and i didnt really care. Now i realize that isnt a healthy relationship at all. Me and my boyfriend now both have the same amount of power, and he knows not to try to have the power of our relationship. It needs to be equal between both parners. I don't want to have all the comtrol, and neither does he.

Decisions and Power Struggle

Throughout the course of the class, I've always thought my boyfriend and I have had a pretty healthy relationship. Lately, however, I have become uncomfortable with the fact that we are in a long distance relationship. I worry about other girls and that the long periods of time between visits will cause him to forget or move on with out me. I didn't realize until today that I had been keeping track of the effort each of us makes toward the relationship. Now I see how this is negatively effectiving my relationship. I recent past conversations on the phone with my boyfriend, I would get defensive easily and would constantly question him and his motives. Today, however I was able to relax and just update him on my life, hear about his and laugh. it was great to just enjoy each other, even from a great distance. I see now that communication in relationships can always be improved and that i need to be more aware of my reactions and feelings and make sure express them in an effective manner.

Tuesday March 24, 2009

Today's class on power and decisions in marriage was really interesting. It amazed me to learn so much about how power is split and how decisions are made. it made me evaluate the way i handle the conversations in my relationship. There was an example in class today about how her and her boyfriend make decisions and how he can't ever make a decision so she gives him options. I thought that was the best idea i'd heard, it makes it simple to decided and they have equal power because she isn't forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do but she is still going to end up doing something she wants to do. It actually made me think that that's something i should try.

I think today's class will really help me during the upcoming family interview because power and decisions in a relationship are a huge part of how a couple functions. Also it will help me out when i'm trying to make a decision or my boyfriend and i are making decisions.

Bcam

body language

I will admit that I am a people watcher. When I am sitting in a restaurant or on a park bench, I am fascinated watching people when they are talking with someone else. I am not really able to catch what is being said, but by watching the body language I can usually pick up on what type of communication is happening. It is amazing sometimes what people say with their bodies. You see some people close the other person out by crossing they arms and/or legs, heads shaking yes and no in response to what the other person is saying, and facial expressions that run the gamut. I have told my husband if he finds any seminars (and/or books) on the subject I would like to be invited to go (or read it). There is a television program on regular TV, that involves using body language to tell if people are lying or not, and I try not to miss an episode. This skill of body language would be exceedingly valuable for me as I pursue my dream of becoming a marriage and family therapist.

Communication :) Verbal and non-verbal

Communication.  Its a vital part of any healthy relationship.  I think it is amazing how men and women can communicate so differently.

 Women express everything to their partner while men can keep everything underwraps...only speaking if absolutely necessary.  When women come to men to talk about their problems, sometimes they only need them to lend an ear and just tell them its ok. However, most men just immediately try to solve the problem.  Women would be more likely to just comfort the person and tell them that all will be well.  I tell my boyfriend about all my trials and tribulations and he always wants to solve them , even when I just want a shoulder to cry on.

Men and women just communicate so differently. I wonder if we will ever understand each other.

I believe non-verbal communication is just as important as verbal communication. People can say so much without saying anything at all. It can be equally influential, sometimes more influential.  A hug can say so much. Sometimes words can't say enough.

I beleive that commnication is key in a steady relationship. We have to interact and will be using communication the rest of our lives with one another. If our partners do not like to tell us what is wrong or even engage in a simple conversation, then why would we stay with them? It is true that men and women have different ways of communicating. Sometimes I do not understand why women do not just come out and say things or want to get right to the point. Being male, I feel I need to get things done then and there and not wait till the last minute. With sitting through this class, I have learned why we use these different ways of interacting. At times it is complicated, but still seems to work out in the end.

Speaking Without Words

We all know that communication is extremely important, but sometimes I feel like nonverbal communication isn't given enough credit. It all goes back to the whole issue of content vs. process. How something is said is more important than what is said. The tricky part of nonverbal communication is that it can often be unconscious or unintentional. A person may have a specific way of speaking or behaving that might appear rude to others, even when the person is behaving the way they naturally do. When dealing with issues involving nonverbal communication the best thing to do is to look for patterns. It would be unwise to jump to conclusions about a person's behavior without knowing how they typically behave in specific situations. We touched on this in class when we were talking about communication differences between cultures.
If you ever want to observe how much of an effect nonverbal communication can have, watching actors rehearse for a play is an amusing way to do this. I was sitting in on a rehearsal for an opera scene that one of my friends was performing. There was one particular line that was bothering me and the teacher that was directing the performance. My friend was supposed to be apologizing for bringing up a topic that she thought had bothered her distraught aunt. To fit the context the line was intended to be said in a comforting way, but every time my friend said it it sounded like she was angrily saying, "Gosh, I'm sorry. You don't have to freak out about it." Since this is a person I've known for several years I realize that wasn't what she intended, but to someone else it might have seemed unfitting. The point is, that just a simple facial expression or inflection of a word can entirely change the meaning of what is being said. I think that more people would be careful about how they say things and how they judge what others say if they were truly aware of the power of nonverbal communication.

Blog 7 - Gender Differences 3/11/09

Hey everyone,
I agree that Tuesday’s lecture on gender differences in communication was really interesting. I remember the first time I brought up something that happened with one of my friends that upset me to my boyfriend, he responded as the lecture said he might, by trying to solve the problem right away. This upset me a little because I didn’t want someone to tell me what to do, I just wanted to vent. Now from the lecture I see that this communication barrier is common. I’m glad that men and women are different because I think we compliment each other well in handling situations in different ways. However, I do think it is important to try to understand your partner in the way that they need. This doesn’t mean changing the way you think and react in general, it just means being conscious of what support your partner needs and trying to offer support in that way. I think this would be beneficial for many couples.
-Acop

Communication

I think that communication is so important in a relationship or in a family. The reason why I think that is because if you do not have communication then your relationship is not going anywhere. With my fiance and I we try and tell each other everything that we are feeling like if something bothered one of us that the other one did, that way it can get resolved and we can fix that. Not only do you need communication in your relationships but you also need it in your everyday life, when you are working and when you are dealing with other people.

Gender Differences

When given the Gender Differences in class, I understand that these don't apply to all males and females and exactly how each one of them communicates, but i think something else can be taken from them other than just understanding. Of course I see these aspects in my own thoughts and conversation and well as the male aspects in my boyfriend, father, etc. And although I understand maybe trying to get away from these things could be a good and progressive idea, I feel as if these differences are really important because they teach each sex in how to communicate with the other. Which i don't think was mentioned.

For example, when I want to talk to my boyfriend about my day, I dont talk about the people i see or all the interactions i have, but the goals of my day and what i've achieved. That way his way of communication (action oriented and solution oriented) are triggered and hes more interested in talking.

I feel like knowing the gender differences alone is an important part of effective communication because it gives you these understandings of the opposite sex and where and why exactly their coming from in their opinions and views.

March 10, 2009

Today's class on communication was really informational. I feel like i learned a lot about how good communication can really benefit a relationship. Not that i already didn't know it was important, but there are so many other things that factor into communication. It's not just the verbal, but the non-verbal that can really show a person's true emotions about something. The part of the lecture that i found most interesting for me was the part about gender differences and the cultural differences we discussed in class.

The gender differences in men and women when it comes to communication seem to make more sense now that i see them on paper. Men truly are way more competitive when it comes to communication. I know my boyfriend is already a really competitive person, but when we are having a conversation or are trying to convince someone of something he always thinks he's right and pulls out random explanations for things. Everything is a competition to him, and after seeing that being competitive a big difference between men and women in communicating it finally made sense! Now i just think it's kinda hilarious. As a women, the ways a women communicate are so correct it's almost scary. I am that person that is all about affiliation having a really strong connection with the person i am communicating with. Seeing the differences between men and women really made me think about how these things can conflict each other, but how they also benefit each other.

The cultural differences are also really interesting because there are things in other cultures that are forbidden that are so normal for American's. Such having eye contact with the person you're talking to, in America that is a sign of respect, but in other cultures it's rude look an elder in the eye when speaking to him/her.

I think this lecture will really help me when I'm doing my family interview because i'll be able to see how they communicate and pinpoint things that are different in their communicating.

bCam

Choosing that special someone!

Finding that perfect person, the individual you want to spend your life with is...quite a task.  There are just so many fish in the sea and I know that it is so hard to meet that one guy!  Now, I'm just not sure about the whole "one perfect guy" theory.  Its very romantic, but just not totally accurate I guess.

 There are so many things to think about when trying to find a mate.  Their needs to be not only a physical attraction, but a spiritual connection.  No one should ever just settle for someone, because both parties will end up completely unhappy.  I think the speaker on finding a mate had some wonderful points on dating  and I hope that with more experience I will learn more about what I am looking for in a guy and that I will be successful in finding one :)

choosing a mate

after last class i really reflected on my own relationship with my boyfriend are realized we have a lot of good things going for us. Even though we both really like being around each other, we going to school 2,000 miles away from each other. It takes a lot of commitment and trust to be happy in a long distance relationship but we are both very happy. we constantly support each other in new experiences. we really try not to hold each other back too. we have a lot in common as well as our differences but embrace both. i think its really great to find all these positive things but i realize from my own experiences they not only take a lot of work but a lot of desire and wanting from each party as well. I think its also important to remember how ever that we have to sacrifice a lot to keep a relationship going. there will always be hard times sometime ahead. thats why function matter so much

Testing absolutes

In class when we talked about destructive games, it definitely hit a chord for me. I was married when I was 23 and divorced at age 28. Looking back, I do not think that my husband actually loved himself and definitely had issues with his family of origin. He used to play the "what if game". He would set up scenarios of life possibilities and then make me answer what I thought would do. As this continued, if a situation that he described came up he would pin me to that answer "You said you would do this if this happen!" He kept trying to push me into the behavior he wanted he wanted, and in that way I would prove to him that I loved him. I was in school at the time to become an x-ray tech. He was fired from a position and he felt that I should stop school and go back to work. I had 9 months to go out of the 24month program. So I took out a student loan, trying to get us through until he got a job. For the next year, I had to deal with a pouty child in a grownup's body. We ended up in counseling for the next two years. He could not see that my going to school was about making life better for us financially. He just took it as a sign that I did not love him enough to sacrifice what he thought I wanted and loved (school) for him and that I did not mean what I said about being with him in sickness and health, poorness and wealth, etc. He felt that he was always under stress working to support us, while I was in school, and that I should want to relieve him of that stress. The counselor tried to make him see what he was doing, but he would nor or could not get this neediness and game playing under control and whe drifted further and further apart, until we were two strangers living in the same house.
One thing I would recommend is couples taking something like the FOCCUS premarital testing and actually paying attention to where you may have troubles . We took it but we discounted what it was telling us. I honestly beleive that the best way to prevent a divorce is to lay all the cards on the table, and if we cannot work things out - DONT GET MARRIED. He and I both had expectations of what each other's role was supposed to be in the marriage, but we had not told each other. Both of us were disappointed when the other one did not fill that role. I will be better able to spot some of the games in my future client with the knowledge that this class is giving us, along with the things I have observed through my life and the lives of those around me.

The Games We Play

I thought our conversation about relationship 'games' was an extremely important thing to talk about. It's amusing how obvious these games become when looking back at past relationships. It's also interesting to analyze which games can be constructive and which are destructive. Of course there are the traditional 'getting to know you' games that we all play. Some of these can actually take the form of real games, like 20 questions. Most of the time these games are constructive, because you are showing a genuine interest in a person. If you get to the point where you are interrogating someone to find out their flaws, then things can start to become destructive.
I know that I'm guilty of playing games that can be destructive. I've been in relationships where I usual rely on the other person to take the initiative to do anything. This is because I don't always trust that people really want to be with me. The last time I used this game it turned out that I had a legitimate reason not to trust the other person. This is one case where games can be potentially destructive, but only if you don't know when to stop. If a person tests a relationship and finds out that they can't trust their partner, then they should get out of the relationship. However, if the other person proves that they can be trustworthy, it would be destructive to keep pushing them to the limit. It's also important not jump to conclusions or be accusing of the person you're dating. If someone doesn't call you when you think they should or if they don't notice your new hair cut, don't accuse them of not loving you. Games can reveal a lot about people, but they shouldn't be the ultimate factor in a decision.

Mate Selection/Engagement.

During the last class period, I enjoyed because it is true that you are careful or particular on who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You want to make sure that your family will get along with him or her and their family, so you all can be close as a family. Because just because you are marrying them you also get their family and you want to make sure that everyone gets along because then it could just be awkward at family gatherings. My previous ex before my fiance was very different he was more like a tough guy and his family was complete opposite on how they were raised than how my family was, and my mom even mentioned to me once that she felt that she would get along with his family just because they have nothing in common with her. Since I dated him before in high school she also did not like him very much either. So I think that your parents need to like who you are about to marry because that could really effect your family and how they will function when he or she comes into the family. My fiance gets along perfectly with my parents and they have already told him that they love him and what not and they are close with his parents which is also good.

Blog - March 4th

I found the discussion on mate selection very interesting. Being 28 I have witnessed a vast amount of both constructive and destructive games. When I was 24 I was engaged. There were a lot of destructive games played which hindered us from really connecting on the level we needed. Learning from this experience and reading about it and the class discussion helps me get a concrete grasp of what games really are. Like we discussed in previous chapters on family systems. The only way to overcome a pattern is to recognize it and change the actions. In a professional setting recognizing what constructive or destructive games are being played and working on changing the behaviors will help couples break through the cycle.

Blog 6 - engagement 3/3/09

Hi everyone,
I agree that today’s class was really interesting! I loved talking about engagement and marriage. I think the quote he mentioned about how marriage is a process, not an event is really important to keep in mind. I feel like a lot of people focus too much on planning for a wedding and not on the lifelong process of marriage. Also, our discussion on how it is important to address issues during the engagement period is so true. My Bible study and our priest were talking tonight about these topics and he also emphasized this point. He mentioned counseling couples after marriage that did not talk through things and how some are struggling, and counseling couples during the engagement period and how beneficial it was to their relationship. A girl in my group had actually taken the FOCCUS premarital intervention test that we discussed in class and she said it was really eye opening. She said it helped her fiancé and her discuss the things they needed to, and then move forward.
-Ashley

Mate Selection/ Games

This class was one of the more interesting ones to me this year. I notice while we had a discssion on games played, that I tend to do some of these even when I am not trying. I do enjoy playing these games with others just to see what their reactions will be. I do think some of then can tend to be rude for others and have seen others do things I would never think of. These games do however seem as if they are used as an icebreaker at first. I feel it is a way to get to know one another. The mate selection will always be there. First thing that I notice are ones looks. I feel I need to be attracted to someone or it will not work. Also, having things in common will make it easier to do things. I do think that there is a certain someone out there and in time one will find them, if not maybe it's just not meant to be.

March 3 Lecture

Today's class was so interesting! It was interesting to me because i never thought about how people play games in relationships or how destructive or constructive those games can be. Today's class was almost like a therapy session for me because i thought about all the things i've done or  am doing in my relationship right now. The part that really made me think was when we discussed destructive games like testing them. I found out that i tend to test my boyfriend and don't really know that i do it. But we talked about how when we test out mate and don't get the results that we thought would be evident or when they don't realize what we are trying to get them to do or understand the person testing them always ends up upset, mad, or just frustrated at their mate which only causes problems. i told myself at the end of class that i wasn't going to try and play those games anymore because of how bad they could be in a relationship. 

Having this information will help me in the long run because i'll be able to spot when i am playing games or when someone else is playing games and i have to tools to break those games and help others break games that they or someone else is playing.

BCam

Abusive Relationships

I think it's very sad when people are put into abusive relationships. My sister was in an abusive relationship when she was in highschool and it really changed her. While she was with that person she really last herself, and i think that is what happens. You might think that you love someone, but an abusive relationship is not right, and no one should have to put up with it. I believe that someone that loves you, shouldn't treat you bad in anyway. They should make you feel like your the luckiest person in the world, and that life couldn't get any better. i think that most people at one point in their lives, talk to someone that can be verbally abusive, but you shouldn't have to put up with that at all. You should be with someone that makes you feel ike crap all the time.